Three Habits of a Vital Life

(Original article published in Healthy Living, A Publication of the Peninsula Daily News, Friday, September 14th)

What is vitality? 

In my practice, I define vitality:  “fully alive, genuine, and engaged in the world; living into the wholeness of body, mind & spirit in a way that is unique” to you as an individual.

A colleague of mine and I used to walk the waterfront trails in Seattle as we brainstormed for the workshop we were developing.  One day we got onto the topic of societal expectations:  how so many of us simply set out into the world following the blueprint that society created for us, “go to school, get a job, get married, have children, buy a house, acquire things, raise children, retire …” without thinking about whether those choices are suitable for our unique spirit.  In following this pre-subscribed routine, many of us acquire health problems, become increasingly restless, or burned out.  Others of us, who perhaps had challenges following this prescribed path, allow feelings of unworthiness to permeate our lives. When either of these scenarios plays out, instead of looking inside to our own inner intelligence for solutions, we tend to look outside for solutions such as prescription drugs, substance abuse, excessive television or gaming, or any other combination of activities that may temporarily relieve our symptoms of pain, boredom or disease. 

These external solutions may provide distractions or temporary benefits that turn into habits.  Habits are simply automatic responses that developed in reaction to a specific situation.  In brain science terminology, a specific neuropathway has formed to facilitate a specific behavior.  Habits can be beneficial.  For example, the habit of brushing your teeth every morning & evening helps prevent tartar build up and cavities.  Some habits may have served a purpose at one time in your life, but may now be an unhealthy crutch rather than an adaptive tool.  For these habits, the good news is that you can change or modify your old behaviors by creating new, more helpful behaviors.

The three habits below are keys to cultivating vitality. 

Habit One – Cultivating a Habit of Gratitude

It seems simplistic perhaps, but scientists have been studying the benefits of gratitude, ⁽¹⁾ and have discovered that cultivating gratitude leads to:

• Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure
• Higher levels of positive emotions
• More joy, optimism and happiness
• Acting with more generosity and compassion
• Feeling less lonely and isolated

You can be grateful for just about anything: the smile from a loved one, the wagging tail of your dog’s greeting, the beauty surrounding us here on the Olympic Peninsula!  Here are two ideas to help you cultivate a practice of gratitude:

1.       Start a gratitude journal.  This journal can be fancy or simple.  You can decorate it yourself, purchase an already decorated journal from a book store or gift shop, or simply mark it with the words “Gratitude Journal”. Keep the journal somewhere handy, and each morning and evening write a minimum of three things you are grateful for.  (Variation:  make a gratitude jar instead, and use sticky notes or small pieces of colored paper or index cards to write your gratitude.)  Make it a practice to look back once a month or at the end of the year at all the things you were grateful for during that time.

2.       Play the “glad game”.  Anyone remember the movie Pollyanna?  Well, Disney didn’t need the brain scientists to teach him the benefits of gratitude.  This game that Pollyanna played can be adapted for you or your children.  All you need to do is find one good thing about any situation that befalls you.  Is it raining?  Well, thankfully we don’t have to worry about drought like many of the farmers in the Midwest or other parts of the country! 

Habit Two – Change Your Perspective

All of us have different viewpoints and perspectives that we’ve developed over time based on our experiences and beliefs.  These “filters” of perspective are neither right nor wrong.  They are simply filters, and just as with a camera filter, if you change it, your perspective shifts.  This concept is both very simple and quite difficult because in order to shift, we have to first be aware that our perspective on any matter is neither right nor wrong, it just is.  Letting go of judgments (of ourselves and others) and strongly held beliefs is one of the hardest habits to change.  

Next time you find yourself beginning to judge yourself or others, try these two techniques to help shift your perspective to neutral:

1.       As the emotion associated with the judgment reaches your awareness, simply stop your mind.  Take a deep breath, in and out.  Take another one.  And another.  Notice your breath.  Now try applying one of the two habits of gratitude from above (either find something you can be grateful for in this situation, or simply think of something else you can be grateful for.)  Now take another deep breath.  Repeat until the negative emotion has dissipated. ⁽²⁾

2.       As the emotion reaches your awareness, notice it.  What is the name of the emotion?  (Anger? Fear? Frustration?  Despair?)  Where is the feeling located in your body?  What does it feel like?  (Heavy?  Pressing?  Sharp?)  What color is it?  Is it moving in your body, or staying still?  Stay with the emotion until it dissipates; capture the experience on paper if you can.  Simply write down the words that come to mind.  (Variation:  When the feeling has disappeared, go back to the words you wrote down, choose ten of them, and turn them into a short poem.)

Habit Three – Live from the Heart

This is both the simplest and the most difficult of the habits to embody.  Western society is a very brain focused society, and for many of us, even being in touch with our heart is frightening.  This is unfortunate, because research tells us that the electrical impulse of the heart is 40 – 60 times more powerful than the brain, the heart magnetic field is 5000 times more powerful than the brain and can help you access more of your brain, and the heart sends more information to the brain than the other way around. The heart can help us access positive emotion, and transmute negative emotion.  ⁽³⁾ Additionally, research shows that a positive mindset benefits us by improving our psychological strength, giving us good mental habits, stronger social connections, and increased physical health. ⁽⁴⁾

To help access the power and wisdom of your heart, add these practices to your daily routine:

1.       Learn mindfulness.  It doesn’t matter whether you learn this practice through a physical activity such as Yoga, Gi Gong, Nia, running, hiking or through a sitting practice, such as fishing, knitting, or meditation.  The practice of mindfulness (paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally ⁽⁵⁾ )  in any form enables you to get out of your own way and simply “BE” present in the moment, which will give you greater access to your heart’s intelligence and intuition.

1. Never underestimate the power of nature to heal or balance your heart’s intelligence.  Get out and hug a tree.  Ask its permission to share your struggles, and then pour out your heart.  Ask a rock to bear your burden for awhile.  Let the wind blow through your hair, and allow the grass to soften the ground under your bare feet.  Plant something, and cultivate it.    
2.  Sit alone, and listen.  Ask your heart for guidance on an issue.  Bring a journal.  Write your question with your dominant hand, then switch the pen to the other hand and write the answer your heart gives you.  Trust it. 

These three habits of vitality, practiced regularly, will improve your life. 

(Since developing new habits requires remembering to follow through with them, ⁽⁶⁾ I suggest adding these to your day planner or “to-do” list for 21 days or more.  If you don’t keep a day planner or “to-do” list, put sticky notes on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator (or the dashboard of your car) to help remind you.  Make it easy on yourself, and take it easy on yourself.  If you forget one day, don’t beat yourself up, just pick back up where you left off, and keep going until these practices become habits.)

You can visit my website to learn more about the research behind these habits of vitality, or to learn more about coaching or workshop activities.

References:

1. Greater Good Institute, Berkeley
2. Adapted from a Heart Math technique, for more information:  www.HeartMath.org   
3.  http://heartmastery.com/about-us/heart-facts 
4. Positivity, by Barbara Fredrickson
5. Jon Kabat-Zinn 
6. The Willpower Instinct, by Kelly McGonigal

Step Three: Sift, Prioritize & Analyze

“Success is only another form of failure if we forget where our priorities should be.”
--Harry Lloyd

In step two, we suggested you create a “want list” broken down into specific categories. You should now have a good sized list. The next step is to go through and prioritize that list, ensuring that your most desired wants are the ones you focus on.

Because I’m such a visual person, when I have a list to sort through, I like to use index cards. To do this, transfer a key point (something that identifies that want clearly to you) from every want in every category onto an index card, label it with its category on the back side, and then start sorting. First, prioritize the categories themselves; put them in order from most important to you, to least important to you. Secondly, sort each want in each category hierarchically from most desired to least desired. When you finish, you should have several piles of index cards laid out in front of you from most important to least important, and each of those piles should have your wants prioritized from most wanted to least.

Lastly, double check yourself. Take the top two wants from the top three categories, and sort those into hierarchical order from most wanted to least wanted. This should determine that these six wants are truly your top six. Don’t worry about whether or not you believe any of your wants are feasible right now. If they evoke a very strong desire, make them a priority.

Now narrow these down to your top three wants. Three (four at the most) is the magic number for realistic and focused action. Any more than that leads to a refraction of energy, and makes it more difficult to give any of them the right amount of focus.

Once you have your top three wants identified, go back to your earlier work on your values and strengths, and start identifying how these wants relate to your values, and how your intrinsic strengths can help you achieve them. Make notes in your notebook.

(If you’re struggling with this, it’s a great time to bring in a coach or a friend who has good insight to help you walk through this step.)

This exercise forms the basis for the strategic plan that will bring you to a life of vitality and intention.

For more information or detail about this exercise, feel free to e-mail me, or view my website.

Enjoy the process!

Define What You Want

“If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.” --Steven Covey

A clear vision, prioritized goals, and disciplined daily action are critical to achieving success in any endeavor. But with so many choices, how do you create and craft a clear vision?

As I stated in my last posting, I believe the first step towards living intentionally is to get clear about your values and take inventory of your strengths. Once you have clarified those for yourself, the next step is to begin defining what you want.

For some, this may feel overly simplistic. For others, it may feel difficult, futile, or a “pie in the sky” exercise. Still others might already know exactly what they want, or think they do. No matter your feelings about it, I encourage you to go through the exercise anyway. You might learn something new about yourself in the process. Make notes in the margins of your composition book as you work to describe any emotions that come up for you. (These may be keys to your blocks, which we will work with later.)

EXERCISE: Buy or find an empty composition notebook, and at the top of every third or fifth page, write one of the following headings:
• Physical / Health / Recreation
• Financial / Material
• Family
• Career / Job
• Social / Community
• Spiritual
• Mental / Intellectual
• Other

Before you start, feel free to consolidate or break apart these headings so that they make more sense to you. One size doesn’t fit all, and these are meant only as a starting point. Once you have labels you can live with, begin creating a list of everything you want under each of these headings.

As you continue with the exercise, feel free to continue to consolidate headings if it is easier for you, expand the list if you have identified other wants that don’t fit in these categories, or rearrange them in a way that is more pleasing to you.

In each category, write down everything imaginable. Let your ideas flow freely, be as impractical and outrageous as your imagination will allow. (You will have time later to prioritize, dream bigger, and create more focus.)

Try not to impose limits on yourself in any way during this exercise. There is no right or wrong answer!!

However, if you are struggling, here are some suggestions:

• If you have a terrible relationship with your family, it’s ok to write “I no longer want to see these people” under the heading “FAMILY”. Then be sure to scribble your emotions in the margins … “I got an uneasy feeling as I wrote this” or “this made me positively giddy with joy.”

• If you are overwhelmed with life, and are missing out on fun, but can’t see any way to let go of your responsibilities to find time for yourself, maybe in the family category you can write down “I want my chores to miraculously disappear so I can go to the movies with a friend.”

• If you were recently laid off from a job, or suffered a disappointing break up, and can only think about what you miss about that particular person, or that particular job, try to be more definitive about WHAT you will miss about them. For example, if you really hated your job, but the money was great, write down “I want a job that I love that pays $xxx”. If you miss particular things about that special person, define them. For example, “I want a relationship with someone who is passionate and exciting.”

I suggest you set aside 15 – 30 minutes / day over the next week or two and come back to the list to add more ideas. This gives the wants time to percolate, and provides an opportunity for new wants to make themselves known to you.

Have fun with this! For more tools, advice, recommended reading, or more about my philosophy or background, you can view my website. If this exercise has you stumped, and you would like additional tips or suggestions, feel free to contact me.

Vital Leadership Step One: Know yourself

“Vital: full of spirit; manifesting or characteristic of life.”

The first step to living a vital life is to know and understand yourself.

By the time we reach middle adulthood, our learned beliefs about how to be successful on the job, in relationships, and in other important roles are often based upon pleasing our bosses, spouses or other important people in our lives. The problem with this is that we learn to base our self worth and definition of success on extrinsic factors, and as a result we lose touch with our authentic selves. If you find yourself with a vague sense of dissatisfaction even after achieving exactly what you set out to accomplish, or with a lack of motivation to improve your performance in certain areas, or an increasing sense of boredom with your life or job, or even if you unexpectedly find yourself in transition, it is a good time to take a look at your life to be sure that the life you are living is the life you truly desire.

In my coaching practice, I like to have my clients begin this process by uncovering their values and intrinsic strengths.

Visual Thesaurus defines values as “beliefs in which you have an emotional investment.” Our limbic system is naturally programmed to avoid change and to stay firmly in status quo. However, our heart is stronger than our brain, and other positive emotions can be used to overcome fear and avoidance of change. Because of the emotional investment underlying key values, they can become key motivators and an energy source that propels people to override their limbic system’s programming. Stated simply, when your heart invests in something, you perform better. Therefore, simply knowing and understanding the key values beneath what your heart desires can propel you towards a more fulfilling and successful life. My website posts a list of common values and walks you through the steps to uncovering your key values.

Intrinsic strengths or unique tendencies are also hard-wired into our brains, and once uncovered can be used to propel us in directions that allow us to succeed with less effort. We all have unique strengths, or tendencies that come naturally to us, but societal norms program us to focus on improving our weaknesses rather than emphasizing our strengths. My favorite source for identifying strengths is the Clifton Strengthsfinder. I provide the book and a unique key to each of my clients, but you can purchase the book through most booksellers.

Once you know and understand your values and strengths, the next step is to begin to create a vision of your desired future, using your key values as the foundation and your intrinsic strengths as a tool to achieve success.

For more information about how to live an authentic and vital life, uncover your unique brand, and market your strengths, subscribe to my blog or contact me.